Our Communication Blows! Understanding the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse
Do you find yourself wanting to bang your head against the wall when you are trying to communicate with your partner? Do you feel worn out and exhausted at the thought of trying to work things out with your partner? If so, the four horsemen of the apocalypse may be playing a role in your communication patterns.
As a couple’s therapist, I feel it is incredibly powerful to teach my clients about these four horsemen and to help them recognize when these behaviors are popping up in their relationship. This allows the couple to bring awareness to their own actions and the actions of their partner and begin to call these behaviors out when they intrude on their communication and start shifting their behavior to more productive ways of communication.
The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse comes from The Gottman Method. This method is a research-based approach to couples therapy that was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The method is based on over 40 years of research on what makes relationships succeed or fail and is widely recognized as one of the most effective approaches to couples therapy. A key tool used in the Gottman Method is the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which are used to identify behaviors that are most likely to predict the breakdown of a relationship.
The Four Horsemen are:
1. Criticism: This refers to attacking a partner’s character or personality rather than addressing specific behavior. Criticism can sound like, “You always leave the dishes in the sink, you are so lazy.” or “I knew you would forget to do x, y, and z. You only think about yourself.”
2. Contempt: This refers to behavior that is intended to insult or degrade a partner. It goes beyond criticism in the sense that the one partner is assuming a position of moral superiority over them. Contempt sounds like, “You’re pathetic, you really think that you’re a man. A real man would be able to handle this situation without acting like a child. I can’t believe I’m really with someone like you.” Contempt can include eye rolling, nasty sarcasm, or cynicism. This can be one of the most damaging of the 4 horsemen.
3. Defensiveness: This refers to behaviors that are intended to protect oneself from an attack rather than seeking to understand the other person or take responsibility for one’s actions. Defensiveness often plays a huge role in conversations escalating to arguments and continuing to go around and around in circles because one or both partners is in protective mode rather than a mode of curiosity and understanding.
4. Stonewalling: This refers to withdrawing from a conversation or interaction and can be expressed through physical distance or emotional withdrawal. Stonewalling, like contempt can be an extremely negative sign that the relationship is falling apart. Stonewalling can look like a person getting up an leaving the room without expressing a need for space, the silent treatment, extreme lack of empathy or consideration for the other persons feelings.
Understanding the four horsemen and learning how to disrupt these negative ways of communicating can be the difference between a relationship that has hope to change and grow together versus a relationship that will continue these negative patterns leading to self-destruction and dissatisfaction. The presence of these behaviors is associated with increased conflict, reduced intimacy, and lack of connection. The Gottman method teaches couples how to identify and manage these behaviors, and replaces them with more positive, constructive ways of communicating and interacting.
With awareness, support, and replacement behaviors a couple can learn how to effectively communicate, create safety, and gain intimacy and understanding when trying to connect with their partner. If you are experiencing any of these behaviors in your relationship, it may be helpful to seek out the support of a couple’s therapist that is trained in the Gottman Method.
This blog post is not intended as treatment or medical advice. Please seek professional consult if you are struggling in your relationship and need support.
Lisitsa, E. (2022, November 3). The Four horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, & stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 23, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/